My little precious Sophie:
OK, I guess I was wrong about mothers not telling their stories in my previous blog. Here in North America, with the surge of individualism, mothers have found their own voice and many blogs and books have sprang around. I am reading one such book called: Between Interruptions by Cori Howard. A collection of mommy stories based on themes such as anxiety, guilt, ...
Initially I wanted to write about the same things, but my timid, voiceless and tribal upbringing which considers mothers as sacred creatures and therefore unreachable and quiet, kicked in when the initial attention to your needs drove me away from writing.
I don't believe in the sacredness of mothers, because the moment you believe this, you deprive them of human characteristics and you imply that they should not make mistakes and this leads to great sense of guilt.
Another thing I wanted to write about was your first look at me when you finally opened your eyes to see me while breast feeding. I will never forget that look. It was like you were telling yourself: So this is the one talking to me when I was in that warm and cozy place wondering! So you are the person singing to me and telling your everyday stories and taking me to your presentations and classes. You are the one. It was like an Uh moment for you. You never had that look again. instead each time I breastfeed, you eye my face up and down follow every move, sometimes you look at my untamed hair. Still you are exploring me and I enjoy that.
I guess I am a failure in this consumer-frenzy world of the west. I don't buy baby stuff much, I did not hold a baby shower, I don't fret over having this or that for my baby and I still have managed to keep my sanity and love you Sophie. I think love can be poured over you in many shapes. We have been lucky to have good people around us who have donated stuff to us. They are clean and you enjoy them the same as if they were new. I was telling you, love can be found in the lullabies your dad improvises and sings to you while holding you marching up and down our small apartment or when he talks to you when you are bored. I guess I should not tell you in what ways I show my love...or maybe I should, or maybe you would know when you become a mother yourself...(I think I should add here what Canadians expect to hear: not that I am assuming you to take that path) but I do hope you can experience motherhood, it was a life savior for me. Maybe you have other attachments to life by the time you become an adult. Lets not talk about that yet. I guess I am not ready to talk about it.
Sophie I hope you know that I love you more than anything in the world and that you have given me reason to live. I think I should celebrate every moment of your being among us. I would like to celebrate your existence every day.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Saturday, July 3, 2010
A peaceful experience
I don't want to forget the one night when you were one month and half and you had just finished being fed, you were sleepy and I was sleepy too. To encourage you to sleep I would close my eyes and when I opened it you were smiling contently at me and closing your eyes and opening it most peacefully. You had an angelic look that I don't want to ever forget. I wish I could register that moment by camera for ever, but it was impossible. It just happened so naturally and so peacefully and I remember both of us fell asleep looking and smiling at each other.
I guess it was the next morning, though that you were trying to wake up and all of a sudden you farted and at the same time jerked at the sound of it. It was the funniest thing ever. And the interesting thing about it was that I was sleepy and was opening and closing my eyes and just as I opened my eyes once this happened and made me laugh.
You are the most beautiful, peaceful, angelic, precious creature ever.
Love you so much,
Lots of kisses and hugs
Your mom,
Mehrnaz
I guess it was the next morning, though that you were trying to wake up and all of a sudden you farted and at the same time jerked at the sound of it. It was the funniest thing ever. And the interesting thing about it was that I was sleepy and was opening and closing my eyes and just as I opened my eyes once this happened and made me laugh.
You are the most beautiful, peaceful, angelic, precious creature ever.
Love you so much,
Lots of kisses and hugs
Your mom,
Mehrnaz
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Home
Sophie, my precious little bundle of joy:
It sounds like I can't catch up with you and write in here so often. You take up so much of my time in real life that there is no time or energy left for me to write about you here in this online world.
Ok. Where were we?
The first few days and nights were filled with shock, excitement, fear and sleep deprivation for both your dad and I. Baby blues had attacked me in the form of tears and anxiety attacks. I needed to learn how to breast feed you and at the same time teach you how to do that. I was my self recovering from stitches and delivery and at the same time taking care of a needy person, you.
You know what, I wanted to tell you and explain every single thing before, but now I feel that all I went through do not matter now that I have you and you give me so much joy. Maybe because of this, no one ever knows what really mothers go through. There might be scientific or helping books on it available, but none of them can describe the real experience, neither can I.
What matters now is that I love you. And that you have warmed up our home and your presence have given us indescribable joy.
You know when you were born, every one called to wish us happiness and give their congrats for your arrival. What I realized then was that your presence had softened the voice of every one and I could sense that their blessings and words were the most sincere and heartfelt. I think babies have that effect on people. Babies soften and polish people's hearts.
You now smile at two months and 12 days, mostly in the mornings; the most beautiful, endearing, cute smiles ever. You talk to me too. From almost two weeks ago you started talking to me while breastfeeding. I love it when you talk to me.
Your favorite sleeping position is lying down across from my chest, your head on the nuke of my arm, your one arm and legs hanging from the sides. When you are ready to fall asleep, you hide your face in my arms and fall fast into sleep.
When alert, you look carefully all around you, as if examining your surroundings, each time making sure you are in the same safe place called home.
It sounds like I can't catch up with you and write in here so often. You take up so much of my time in real life that there is no time or energy left for me to write about you here in this online world.
Ok. Where were we?
The first few days and nights were filled with shock, excitement, fear and sleep deprivation for both your dad and I. Baby blues had attacked me in the form of tears and anxiety attacks. I needed to learn how to breast feed you and at the same time teach you how to do that. I was my self recovering from stitches and delivery and at the same time taking care of a needy person, you.
You know what, I wanted to tell you and explain every single thing before, but now I feel that all I went through do not matter now that I have you and you give me so much joy. Maybe because of this, no one ever knows what really mothers go through. There might be scientific or helping books on it available, but none of them can describe the real experience, neither can I.
What matters now is that I love you. And that you have warmed up our home and your presence have given us indescribable joy.
You know when you were born, every one called to wish us happiness and give their congrats for your arrival. What I realized then was that your presence had softened the voice of every one and I could sense that their blessings and words were the most sincere and heartfelt. I think babies have that effect on people. Babies soften and polish people's hearts.
You now smile at two months and 12 days, mostly in the mornings; the most beautiful, endearing, cute smiles ever. You talk to me too. From almost two weeks ago you started talking to me while breastfeeding. I love it when you talk to me.
Your favorite sleeping position is lying down across from my chest, your head on the nuke of my arm, your one arm and legs hanging from the sides. When you are ready to fall asleep, you hide your face in my arms and fall fast into sleep.
When alert, you look carefully all around you, as if examining your surroundings, each time making sure you are in the same safe place called home.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Arrival
Sophie aziztar az janam:
This is day 18 of your presence among us. I have opened this blog to talk about you and the experience that I have with you. I write in English so you can possibly read them when you get old enough. I will write about my personal feelings and more intimate feelings in my own farsi blog because I can express myself better in my mother tongue and they are personal feelings any way. But this blog is about you and for you. So you can later on read and enjoy and know what has been going on with us since your birth. If you learn farsi too, you are more than welcome to read my farsi blog too and get to know your mom better.
I don't know where to start. I have lots to say. I have never imagined I will have such an intense experience in my life by having a baby.
Lets start from the very beginning. Probably you would ask yourself or us sometime in your life, why did we decide to have you. I guess it all started with me seeking out a source to give me a meaning for living, an energy to keep me going, and someone I could love and be loved by. I had reached a point in my life where nothing seemed worth living for except for the love of your dad and my parents and for love itself. That's why I decided to have you. I don't see this selfish. I see it as a natural process that has been decided by nature, that I can have a baby I could love.
So it was for love that I decided to have you. It all went like a flash, from the moment I decided to have you, untill nine months later when you were born. The experience of your birth was one of a kind. I had never imagined I would go through such a pain. I was confident that I could deliver without a problem to the last days and hours, but I never imagined what kind of pain I would go through. My contractions started at 8 pm, on Friday while we were in Walmart doing last minute shopping in preparation for your arrival. We did not know you will come five days earlier than the due date, but it was the first free time we had after a semester of studies and work at the university. It sounded like I had my nesting instinct activated just that night. I had contractions every 10 minutes, but did not guess it must be it. When at home, although it was 10 at night, I had a strange surge of energy and was moving around putting our purchases in proper place, arranging the apartment, cleaning and...Then at 1am contractions started to happen every 5 minutes. It was then that I suspected it was time. So we went to the hospital. I had dilated only one centimete, so they sent me back home. Half an hour later at home, my water broke and your dad and I was on our way to the hospital one more time. Now contractions were happening every 3 minutes. The pain was almost unbearable. I could not stand, I could not sit, I could not lie down. They told me, I would still go through 9 more hours of much worse pain before I give birth, and I just could not believe it. The pain was already unbearable and I couldn't believe this was happening to me. Some miracle happened though and in half an hour I dilated 9 centimeters and in two hours you were born. You were placed on my bosom right after birth, but I was so frightened I could not look at you. I could not simply believe that a living creature had just come out of me. It was such a powerful and unique experience that it just scared me. So much as I was yearning to see you and hold you when you were in my belly, I was hesitant to see you and I will not forget this forever. I think part of the reason was the surprising nature of delivery and the uniqueness of the experience that caught me off guard.
This is day 18 of your presence among us. I have opened this blog to talk about you and the experience that I have with you. I write in English so you can possibly read them when you get old enough. I will write about my personal feelings and more intimate feelings in my own farsi blog because I can express myself better in my mother tongue and they are personal feelings any way. But this blog is about you and for you. So you can later on read and enjoy and know what has been going on with us since your birth. If you learn farsi too, you are more than welcome to read my farsi blog too and get to know your mom better.
I don't know where to start. I have lots to say. I have never imagined I will have such an intense experience in my life by having a baby.
Lets start from the very beginning. Probably you would ask yourself or us sometime in your life, why did we decide to have you. I guess it all started with me seeking out a source to give me a meaning for living, an energy to keep me going, and someone I could love and be loved by. I had reached a point in my life where nothing seemed worth living for except for the love of your dad and my parents and for love itself. That's why I decided to have you. I don't see this selfish. I see it as a natural process that has been decided by nature, that I can have a baby I could love.
So it was for love that I decided to have you. It all went like a flash, from the moment I decided to have you, untill nine months later when you were born. The experience of your birth was one of a kind. I had never imagined I would go through such a pain. I was confident that I could deliver without a problem to the last days and hours, but I never imagined what kind of pain I would go through. My contractions started at 8 pm, on Friday while we were in Walmart doing last minute shopping in preparation for your arrival. We did not know you will come five days earlier than the due date, but it was the first free time we had after a semester of studies and work at the university. It sounded like I had my nesting instinct activated just that night. I had contractions every 10 minutes, but did not guess it must be it. When at home, although it was 10 at night, I had a strange surge of energy and was moving around putting our purchases in proper place, arranging the apartment, cleaning and...Then at 1am contractions started to happen every 5 minutes. It was then that I suspected it was time. So we went to the hospital. I had dilated only one centimete, so they sent me back home. Half an hour later at home, my water broke and your dad and I was on our way to the hospital one more time. Now contractions were happening every 3 minutes. The pain was almost unbearable. I could not stand, I could not sit, I could not lie down. They told me, I would still go through 9 more hours of much worse pain before I give birth, and I just could not believe it. The pain was already unbearable and I couldn't believe this was happening to me. Some miracle happened though and in half an hour I dilated 9 centimeters and in two hours you were born. You were placed on my bosom right after birth, but I was so frightened I could not look at you. I could not simply believe that a living creature had just come out of me. It was such a powerful and unique experience that it just scared me. So much as I was yearning to see you and hold you when you were in my belly, I was hesitant to see you and I will not forget this forever. I think part of the reason was the surprising nature of delivery and the uniqueness of the experience that caught me off guard.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)