Celebrate

My little precious Sophie:

OK, I guess I was wrong about mothers not telling their stories in my previous blog. Here in North America, with the surge of individualism, mothers have found their own voice and many blogs and books have sprang around. I am reading one such book called: Between Interruptions by Cori Howard. A collection of mommy stories based on themes such as anxiety, guilt, ...

Initially I wanted to write about the same things, but my timid, voiceless and tribal upbringing which considers mothers as sacred creatures and therefore unreachable and quiet, kicked in when the initial attention to your needs drove me away from writing.

I don't believe in the sacredness of mothers, because the moment you believe this, you deprive them of human characteristics and you imply that they should not make mistakes and this leads to great sense of guilt.

Another thing I wanted to write about was your first look at me when you finally opened your eyes to see me while breast feeding. I will never forget that look. It was like you were telling yourself: So this is the one talking to me when I was in that warm and cozy place wondering! So you are the person singing to me and telling your everyday stories and taking me to your presentations and classes. You are the one. It was like an Uh moment for you. You never had that look again. instead each time I breastfeed, you eye my face up and down follow every move, sometimes you look at my untamed hair. Still you are exploring me and I enjoy that.

I guess I am a failure in this consumer-frenzy world of the west. I don't buy baby stuff much, I did not hold a baby shower, I don't fret over having this or that for my baby and I still have managed to keep my sanity and love you Sophie. I think love can be poured over you in many shapes. We have been lucky to have good people around us who have donated stuff to us. They are clean and you enjoy them the same as if they were new. I was telling you, love can be found in the lullabies your dad improvises and sings to you while holding you marching up and down our small apartment or when he talks to you when you are bored. I guess I should not tell you in what ways I show my love...or maybe I should, or maybe you would know when you become a mother yourself...(I think I should add here what Canadians expect to hear: not that I am assuming you to take that path) but I do hope you can experience motherhood, it was a life savior for me. Maybe you have other attachments to life by the time you become an adult. Lets not talk about that yet. I guess I am not ready to talk about it.

Sophie I hope you know that I love you more than anything in the world and that you have given me reason to live. I think I should celebrate every moment of your being among us. I would like to celebrate your existence every day.

A peaceful experience

I don't want to forget the one night when you were one month and half and you had just finished being fed, you were sleepy and I was sleepy too. To encourage you to sleep I would close my eyes and when I opened it you were smiling contently at me and closing your eyes and opening it most peacefully. You had an angelic look that I don't want to ever forget. I wish I could register that moment by camera for ever, but it was impossible. It just happened so naturally and so peacefully and I remember both of us fell asleep looking and smiling at each other.

I guess it was the next morning, though that you were trying to wake up and all of a sudden you farted and at the same time jerked at the sound of it. It was the funniest thing ever. And the interesting thing about it was that I was sleepy and was opening and closing my eyes and just as I opened my eyes once this happened and made me laugh.

You are the most beautiful, peaceful, angelic, precious creature ever.

Love you so much,

Lots of kisses and hugs

Your mom,
Mehrnaz